Sometimes, My House Smells Of Ass

I live with two furboys and one real boy, and two of those three boys tend to fill the house with the smells of fart. At times, it’s eye watering.

Combine that with just general dog smell, plus sweaty, just-ran-four-miles man, plus just general house smells from cooking, and sometimes, well, despite best intentions, this house can reek. I could go through a lot of room and fabric spray, but I’ve found the best kind is the kind you make. And it’s easy. And it involves a trip to the liquor store, so you know, there’s that, too. Plus, you can choose any essential oil you want, which means your house can smell like your own custom blend of scents.

The process is pretty easy. Just take a 16 to 32 oz plastic spray bottle (or do what I do, double the recipe and use the large empty Febreeze bottle you finished off), and put in two tablespoons of 100 proof vodka. Don’t use the good stuff – I buy the kind in the plastic bottle that is about $5 a bottle. It’s the kind hobos buy. Next, add about three teaspoons of essential oil – you can mix and match at this point, and come up with some great combinations. I like vanilla, lavender and sandlewood, for instance, so a teaspoon of each.

Put the top on your spray bottle, and give it a good shake. Take the top back off, and add distilled water until the bottle is almost full. Put the lid back on, and shake again. Then let it sit for about 24 hours, giving it an occasional shake, so that the scents can meld. After that, spray it on any colorfast fabric for a quick refresher anytime your house smells like dog anus or company’s coming.

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